Stargate SG1, the Unaired Scenes
by DaemonicKitten
Summary: OK, first off, I have no idea what to put as the title. It's basically a supposed-to-be humorous set of unrelated one-shots. Some will include Vala, others will include Sam. Some might include both! Let me know what you think. Mostly innuendo related
1. Chapter 1

Ok, so this one seemed cute in my head. -.-' Sorry if it sucks, but I thought I'd give it a try anyways.

This series will remain 'Work in Progress' until I'm sure that no more chapters can be done. Also, the teams may very from Jack as the leader, to having Sam in the group, or having Vala. I am putting it as SG-1, because basically, that's what it is, right?

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"They just keep coming!" Firing his P-90, Colonel Cameron Mitchell frowned as he downed yet another enslaved Jaffa warrior. "Where are these guys coming from?!" Hearing a noise behind him, he spun and shot down two more Jaffa warriors.

As quickly as they were falling, more kept rounding the corners of the mother ship and opening fire upon the members of SG-1. They were forced from their vantage points through the hallways and into the room Daniel Jackson was currently typing as fast as he could on a Goa'uld machine of some sort.

"Any progress Jackson?" Cam called as he patted Teal'c on the shoulder and ducked in the doorway, closing it behind the free, allied Jaffa as he backed in. "As in, maybe something to _stop_ these guys? Maybe something that will slow them down, or make us invisible, or, oh! Maybe something to make us invincible??" The Colonel's blue eyes twinkled mischievously at the idea.

"No…" Typing a little more, Dr. Jackson frowned as he paused to read some script that ran over the screen in front of him. "Sorry Mitchell, no becoming a superhero today." His tone clearly stated he was barely paying attention.

"Damn! And here I was looking forward to becoming Mr. Invisible." Wiggling his eyebrows, he shot Teal'c a look. "Oh the fun I could have with _that_!" The look on his face clearly stated exactly what kind of fun he was thinking of. After hearing Sam clear her throat, he gave her a half apologetic shrug before turning serious, opening fire as two Jaffa were managing to get the door open a little, forcing them back. "Ok, seriously, isn't there _something_ on that machine that can help us out?!"

"I-I don't know!" Jackson was beginning to get irritated as he frantically pushed a few more buttons. "This machine, it's like… It's like nothing I've ever seen before. The writing seems to be a new combination of different dialects-"

"Yes, yes, that's nice. Tell me something useful. What. Does. It. Do?" Cam interrupted, opening fire once again to push the enemy forces back. Emptying the clip from his P-90, he quickly reloaded and took aim again. "Come on, it's Goa'uld! It's gotta have some sort of cool function that can help us!"

Sam was on another console, typing away. "It seems to be a matter reconfiguration device of some sort."

"Re…configur-ok, whatever." Frowning, Cam shot her an impatient look. "Can that help us?!"

"I…I'm not sure."

"You guys are supposed to be the smart ones! Come on! Someone's gotta have an idea! We're outnumbered by Jaffa, we're locked away from the Gate and the rings, and…" Changing to a fresh clip, he let out a growl when he checked a couple of his pockets. "To top it all off, we're running low on ammo!"

"As am I, Colonel Mitchell." Teal'c finally spoke up.

"Look, I've set the settings to everywhere but this room. Whatever this machine does, it'll work if I hit the button. Every one of those Jaffa, and the Goa'uld on board will be affected, but we'll be safe." Daniel was pointing to a single button while looking over some schematics. "Sam's right, it's a matter reconfiguration device of some sort. It probably won't kill them, but it'll do something."

"Well, if it'll stop them, what're you waiting for? Hit the button!"

"It might just make things worse, Mitchell!"

"Oh, for God's sake!" Mitchell stomped over, took one look at the screen and slammed his hand down on the button. "Only one way to find out."

"What the hell! Mitchell!" Forcefully removing his hand from the button, Daniel glared at Cameron for a moment before checking his scans. "Like I said before, _new_ guy!" He typed quickly for a moment before sighing and shaking his head. "Damn! I can't stop it."

After a few moments, there was a beep and Daniel began typing again. "It looks like it's done. It's safe to leave now."

Sharing a look, Cam took point and went over to the door. Upon opening it, he stared in shock at the sight before him. Sam similarly seemed shocked, and lowered her P-90 while Teal'c stared unflinchingly at the view. Daniel, for his part, looked like his eyes were ready to fall out of his head as he looked at the screen again.

"Well, I think we found out what that machine was for." he stated slightly.

Tilting his head, Cam grinned a little and shrugged. "Well, it helped." Turning to Teal'c he laughed a little. "Honey, I shrunk the Goa'uld!"

The hall was filled with armor, and within the armor were a bunch of midget Jaffa trying to pick up their weapons and failing badly simply because, well…

"Their weapons are bigger than they are!" Cam cried with laughter as he stunned the lot one-by-one. Shaking his head, he wiped a tear from my eye. "Wow, out of all the things I expected this machine to do… This…wasn't one of them."

The others could only agree as they made their way off to the ring room, wondering how they would put this in their reports.

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Hope you like it.

R+R please.

Thank you

Tenshi


	2. Blue Ba'als

**Disclaimer** - I don't own anything Stargate or Stargate Atlantis.

**Note** - Ok, so my muse has lately turned to Stargate/Stargate Atlantis, but until I finish my current story, any real fics are on hold. Instead, however, I was reading a script from TWIZ.TV for the episode with Ba'al clones, and an idea came to me. These are meant to possibly be cute, but I am aware that some will not be all that good. They're short one-shots, not really connected, but I will be putting them in the same story anyways, just as different chapters. I don't know how long the story will be, it depends on if I get any more ideas.

So... Hope some people enjoy this, anyways. My favorite characters are Jack, Daniel, Mitchell, Sheppard, Teyla and Elisabeth, so as a for-warning, any fictions I'll do will probably center on those. LOL.

**Summary** - Just a short series of...drabbles. Mostly meant for humor. Some might be cute, some will be lame... R+R and let me know what you think, and if you have any line ideas for further chapters.

**Rating** - Um...I have no idea. I'll say 'T' unless someone has any ideas.

**Pairings** - Open to changes per chapter, but as far as I have, none so far.

**Legend** -

"Talking"

_Thinking_

_**Notes/Messages**_

**Flashback/Vision**

(Scene/POV changes)

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(In the SGC, Normal POV)

General Landry is looking down into a room full of Ba'al clones who are talking or arguing, being zatted by the guards if the arguments turn physical. You can tell by the look on his face, he's torn between being amused and beyond pissed off.

"General Landry, sir."

Turning almost gracefully, Landry mentally congratulated himself for not jumping a foot in the air at the unexpected voice. "Yes, Lieutenant Morgan?"

A young woman in her late 20's was standing in the doorway, her long black hair braided back neatly and her dark blue eyes set in their own amused way. "I heard you're having trouble with your Ba'als, sir." As she stated this, her voice hitched at the last word and her eyes clearly showed she was trying to remain fully serious.

_Hmm, good one._ he thought with a raised eyebrow, his own eyes sparkling in amusement. "They refuse to co-operate." he stated simply as he looked at her as seriously as he could.

"I see. What can I do to help you, sir?"

"Well, I was wondering if you could-"

"Code red in the interrogation room! Code red in the interrogation room!" the alarm sounded in the room they were standing and as Landry spun to find out the problem, Lieutenant Morgan raced across the room to join him. Ignoring her comment of 'Wow, that's a lot of Ba'als', he watched in confusion and worry as electrical charges ran through the bodies of the clones, sending them crashing to the ground with a strange froth coming from their blue-tinted faces.

"...Never mind." Frowning, he called SG-1 to see this for themselves and ordered the guards to the infirmary to make sure they weren't infected by any biotoxins. "Looks like they took care of it themselves."

"I think they 'off'ed themselves." She stated with a shocked look into the room. "Permission to speak frankly, sir." Morgan stated softly, turning to look at the elder man.

Turning to face her, he nodded a little. "Permission granted."

"I don't mean this to sound, well...rude, but I have to be perfectly honest." The corners of her mouth twitched into a grin before she could stop herself and clearing her throat, she struggled to look serious. "I have to say... This gives a whole new meaning to 'Blue Ba'als'."

The sound of General Landry's choked efforts to hold back his laughter echoed through the halls.

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Hope you like it. It's just done out of boredom, so...

R+R please.

Thanks

Tenshi


	3. Coconuts

The Blue Ba'als, and this one are my absolute favorites. They are the first two that came to me out of nowhere, and I think they're cute.

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SG-1, minus Teal'c, who was off on his own mission, were exploring a new world, one that was amazingly like a more tropical version of Earth. The first thing they noticed was Vala getting hit on the head by a giant furry round thing.

Upon closer inspection, it turned out the 'giant furry, round thing' was in fact almost exactly like an Earth coconut.

Of course, Vala being Vala, she had to complain and whine about the bump on her head, and Colonel Mitchell took her over to sit on a boulder and tried to humor her into being quiet. Colonel Samantha Carter mentioned they should take some back for testing as this planet, if it carried other fruits, may be a valuable asset if they ever needed more food at any point in the future.

"That's actually a very good idea." Dr. Daniel Jackson as he bent down and picked up a nicer looking one. "And maybe we can send SG-2 back to check for other smilarities."

"That's nice and all. I'm glad to see you're all so concerned about my nasty head wound." Vala grumbled as she got up and got herself ready to go on.

"Yes, because that bruise looks fatal." Mitchell mumbled sarcastically, unable to keep from rolling his eyes. "You better hurry back to the SGC or you might not make it!"

Immediately her eyes widened. "What?!"

Shaking her head, Sam walked over and sighed. "He was joking. Look, let's just collect some of these...um..."

"Let's just call them coconuts for now." Daniel muttered as he seemed to be closely examining another coconut.

"Ok, let's gather some more of them and take them back for testing."

Mitchell, in his own corner, picked up two and as the jester he is, began trying to juggle them. "Hey! Look at me!"

"Yes, chuckles, we see." Dr. Jackson was barely paying attention as he picked up a broken one. "It's remarkable how similar these are to our coconuts at home." Pausing a moment, he raised an eyebrow at Mitchell and sighed. "Mitchell, if you could stop playing with your nuts for a moment..." Immediately, his face turned an interesting shade of red and he choked on his words.

Vala almost fell over laughing at that one, her own face a nice deep red, and she ended up having to lean against a tree for support.

Sam, to her credit, was managing _barely_ not to laugh, but she did have this broad grin on her face and covered her mouth in a way that looked like she was trying to ward off a yawn. She held her own coconut and looked at it a moment before a giggled hiccup escaped and she took a deep breath, still trying not to laugh.

Mitchell, on his own part, promptly dropped the coconuts and he was whistling innocently as he tried to kick them away without being overly obvious about it. Strangely enough, he wasn't as red faced, but his eyes were clearly laughing at how that had turned out. Stopping a moment, he turned to Daniel and grinned. "Nice one."

"Well..." Having taken a moment to get her breathing under control, Samantha looked at the coconut in her hand, noticing for the first time it looked bruised and cut up, showing it had been on the ground for a while.

Daniel must have noticed that as well, as he stood up and walked over with the two and a half coconuts he was holding. "It's probably best to bring the healthiest ones we can find."

While she wanted to point out this was an alien planet, and for all they knew the bruises and cuts could be a sign of healthiness, she remained quiet and nodded, dropping her coconut on the ground with a soft thud.

SG-1 spent a few more moments picking up a couple of coconuts, and it didn't take them long, as they were remarkably not attacked, before they were ready to go.

"Ok, I think we have enough for now." Jackson stated as he carried a backpack full of coconuts.

Turning to him, Vala grinned and nodded before raising an eyebrow as Mitchell began dialing the gate. "Yes, Daniel. I do say, you have a lovely bunch of coconuts." she deadpanned before walking into the activated portal.

The burst of laughter from Cameron was the first sound the SGC heard as the group returned home, and Sam was grinning from ear to ear.

Strangely enough, that _had_ been an innocent comment from Vala. Not being from earth, she didn't know a lot about the innuendo, so she didn't realize what the others had thought when she'd said what she said. It had been pure coincidence.

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Hope you like it.

R+R please.

Thank you.

Tenshi


	4. Why Mitchell Should Never

**Title :** **Why Mitchell Should Never Be Given a Can of Nuts**

Did I ever do a disclaimer with this fic?

**Disclaimer** : I don't own anything to do with Stargate or Atlantis, if I did, neither show would EVER END!! Oh, and Carson and Elisabeth NEVER would have been taken off Atlantis! :(

**Note** : I need help people! If you want this fic to continue, you have to send me ideas! Anything innuendo!

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"Wanna try my nuts?"

Choking on his hot coffee, Dr. Jackson spun around, his face aflame as he spotted Colonel Cameron Mitchell by his office doorway. "What??" He couldn't have heard that right…could he?

His look was completely relaxed an innocent, as if he had no idea how his words came out. "I saaaiiiiiiddd…" Stepping forward dramatically, he held up a small can. "Want some of my nuts?" Without even hesitating, he dipped his hand in and grabbed a nut, popping it in his mouth. "They're salty."

Trying to ignore his embarrassment, Daniel cleared his throat and pulled his glasses off. "Um, no. Thanks."

Shrugging a little, Cam looked unperturbed. "Ok then. See ya." Without even waiting for an answer, Cam headed off down the hall to take the elevator to another floor. Maybe it was luck, or maybe not, but the next person he ran into was Sam. "Sam! Hey there!" Running over, he caught up to her and kept stride. "Want some nuts?"

Pausing in her stride, Sam gave him an incredulous look. "Excuse me?" _I couldn't have heard that right… Then again, this _is_ Cam we're talking about…_

"What's with everyone?" Shaking his head, Cam sighed before speaking slowly. "I was asking if you wanted some of my nice salty nuts?" Holding up the said can. he popped the lid and looked inside. "Oh, walnut!" Picking one out, he popped it in his mouth and his eyes rolled back in his head as he moaned a little. "Oh my god! So, good!"

Clearing her throat a little, Sam raised an eyebrow. _This is just wrong on so many levels..._

"Sorry Sam, what can I say?" Holding out the can, he gestured for her to help herself.

She was about to reach for one, when his next comment made her pause.

"I prefer my nuts salted."

Well, her thoughts immediately shot to something that involved no canned nuts what so ever. Dropping her slightly raised hand, she cleared her throat again, trying to ignore her embarrassment and shook her head with a slightly forced smile. "Thanks, I'm ok. I actually…just ate." That was actually far from the truth, but she wasn't about to admit that.

"Ok then, I offered." With a wave, he continued on.

Wandering around, Colonel Mitchell saw a few airmen and lieutenants walking around and offered them his nuts. His expression was perfectly innocent the entire time, but more often than not, the others would become embarrassed, one male airman got offended and looked ready to hit him, and only one or two seemed unbothered by his offer.

Finally, he came upon Teal'c in the lunch room and sat beside the big Jaffa. "Hey big guy, how's it going?"

"Colonel Mitchell. I am well." he stated with a small smile, bowing his head a little in greeting.

"Well, can I offer you some of my nuts?" Immediately, he brought up the half empty can. "They're mixed and salted, my fave!"

Teal'c's eyebrow rose a little and he looked curiously at Mitchell. "You are offering me your nuts?"

Cam was caught of guard by the comment and paused a moment, blinking blankly. "Well…when you put it like that…" All of a sudden, it was like something clicked and his eyes widened. "Oh man! That's what…"

Teal'c remained quiet but looked inquiringly at Cameron

"I've been running around, offering people my nuts…" he trailed off and turned a nice deep red. "Ahem, and I didn't realize how wrong…" Dropping his head on the table with a thud, he muttered to himself a moment before raising his head again. "Well, this is…embarrassing." With a groan and a shake of his head, he pushed the can over, got up and stalked off with a muttered 'talk to you later'.

Once he was gone, Teal'c looked at the container and raised his eyebrow again before reaching over, opening it and helping himself to a handful. "Indeed."

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Hope you liked it.

(Helps self to Mitchell's nuts) LOL! Honestly, I like mine praline, with the caramel-like coating. LOL

R+R please!

Thank you

Tenshi


	5. Wood

**I'm out of ideas! I can't keep going unless people help!**

This one I found on a website about two people making a fake news report about a big piece of wood.

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(SGC, Daniel's Lab, Normal POV)

Walking around his desk, Daniel took a sip of his hot coffee as he looked over copies of paperwork for some recently translated artifacts that had been brought back from an offworld mission that SG3 took care of. Everything seemed to be in order, and he nodded thoughtfully as he picked up one paper and took a closer look.

"Daniel! Daniel!" Vala suddenly came rushing in with one of her patented evil slash excited looks, grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh. I see you're back." He stated unenthusiastically as he put down the paper. Nodding at her, he kept a wary eye as she turned and leaned a bit to glance out into the hall. It was times like this, with looks like those, that he found himself keeping a firm hold of his wallet, and going over a mental checklist to make sure she didn't suddenly nab any precious artifacts.

"Come on! Hurry up!"

"You try running when you're carrying something heavy like this!" Cameron Mitchell's voice carried back, sounding suspiciously out of breath. Out in the hall, he was carefully arranging his parcel behind his back as he slowed down and calmly walked into Daniel's office.

For a moment, Daniel's mind went south before he shook his head, turning his back on the door and taking another sip of coffee.

"Daniel, you should have come with us! That planet was so..." Vala trailed off enthusiastically a moment before decidingly changing her topic. "Anyways, we brought you a gift!"

_Oh boy._ He thought in dread, trying to figure out what in the world Cam and Vala could have gotten him as a _gift_. "It wouldn't happen to be stolen golden bracelettes that will end up with us stuck to each other, would it?" he asked carefully, not bothering to turn around as he took yet another sip. By now he was holding a handful of paperwork. It wasn't important, but he sure could pretend it was.

"Nope." Now Came sounded suspiciously amused. "I brought you a cool new item!"

"It's so cool and he's so excited about it!" Vala was giggling throughout the sentence, and Daniel stopped walking with a suspicious look at the paperwork he held. Still, he tried to ignore them and with a silent sigh, took a deep sip of the coffee.

"I'm so excited, I have wood!" Cam announced brightly.

Spitting out his coffee all over his paperwork and desk, he spun around with wide eyes. "Excuse me?!" His eyes, against his better judgement, drifted south to a clothed intimate area of the Colonel, and then narrowed in confusion as he turned his gaze back to the grinning Cam. Absently, he grabbed some towels he used for cleaning the artifacts off his desk and began wiping down the front of his shirt before tending to the dripping papers on the desk. "What the hell was that about?!" He demanded as he tried to ignore the burn of the hot coffee.

Vala was laughing her ass off at this and shook her head. "Oh my, that was priceless! Did you see the look on his face?!" Then she turned to Daniel and shrugged. "Then again, it's true. He's actually got wood, Daniel!"

Again Daniel's eyes drifted south, which caused him to mentally curse himself and shake his head before putting down the towels and coffee cup. Pulling off his glasses, he sighed and rubbed a tired hand over his face.

"And the smell!"

It was a good thing Daniel put down his coffee, as it was, he began choking on the air and glared at the grinning girl with wide eyes.

"It smells so good! Like...flowers, I think!" she continued on. Then, seeing the close to lethal look she was getting, she waved meekly and backed to the door. "Um, right. Well, I should get going."

Thinking his torture was over, Daniel stood up straight and nodded.

"The other boys brought back wood, too, and I want to help them find places to put it all." she finished with a lecherous grin.

"VALA!!" Daniel screamed as she squeaked, giggled and took off down the hallway.

"Whoa!" Cam held out a single hand, before quickly pulling out the large strangely green board of wood he was holding. "Calm down, doc. She was just joking." He handed over the piece of green wood and began reciting the things he'd heard about it. It was apparently resistent to fire and water, and was very hard. Also, when cut the right way, it would shine and some of the people on the planet used it for gems in their jewellery.

"What are these dark spots on your wood?" Daniel asked absently, taking notes on a dry note pad, about everything he was hearing.

Looking at the said spots, Cam grinned evilly, his mind having been in the gutter since the mission. "Oh I dunno. Maybe to show it's all natural?"

Daniel stopped writing and paused, looking at Colonel Mitchell with a look as if to ask if he really heard that right. Before anyone could say a word, he shook his head and sighed before continuing with his notes.

"Look, I just brought you some wood, cause I thought you might like to play with it."

His mind was starting to make a home of the gutter, and for a moment, Daniel wondered how Mitchell managed to innocently make every little thing come out so...

"The planet was full of guys with wood."

See? Daniel had a hard time believing Mitchell was making every last comment come out so suggestive, on purpose. But then again...

"They kept offering it to us, so I thought, what the hell? Hey, we can even go back and get more wood, if you need it!"

This was Cameron Mitchell.

With a sigh, Daniel put down his pen and removed his glasses. Running his hand over the strange greenish wood, he pursed his lips in thought. "I might take you up on that. If it's as strong and durable as I'm hearing, I might have you go back and bring me more wood." Realizing how that came out, he raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "Um, what kind of tree did you say this came from?"

"I dunno, but it was something alien that, even though I didn't understand, sounded kinda...wrong."

_Why am I not surprised?_ Grinning dryly for a moment, Daniel raised an eyebrow at Cam and nodded. "Fine. I'll take a look at your wood."

Nodding with a grin, Cam walked off, leaving Daniel to it and planning on what he was going to put in his report to Landry.

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My jaw dropped with the wood thing. I tried to change it around to my use, but I don't know if it's still funny.

Again, I can't keep going without ideas. Let me know, ok?

Hope you like it.

R+R please

Thanks for reading.

Tenshi


	6. Milk Jugs

Ok this was an idea sent to me from **Resa-J**. I don't know, it could be funny. I'm willing to give it a shot. Thank you for your review, and I'm glad you like it so far.

Thank everyone who's sent me reviews! :)

I'm also thinking at this point, I may start including SG Atlantis in it, since there's also ideas there (and I'm a HUGE John fan). We'll see, but it's a possibility.

Oh, question, has anyone tried a fiction for John/Rodney using the episode Last Man Standing (or was it The Last Man?)? I have one written, though I know it's not that great and doesn't have too much slash in it, and I'm debating on posting it.

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Four out of five members of SG-1 were sitting at their lunch table, relaxing and chatting as they ate. Daniel was snarking on Vala, whenever she made one of her patented comments towards him. Sam was trying to keep a conversation going with him, on the sidelines, about some new technological advancements, and Teal'C was watching the exchange with great fascination.

Cam was offworld at the moment.

"Alright, Vala!" Daniel finally snapped. "I get it, thanks."

Luckily there were few to no other people in the room, as lunch was almost over. The room went quiet as Sam and Daniel continued their quiet discussion, Vala sat sulking to herself, and Teal'C continued to watch the exchange with great fascination.

Then the jaffa piped up with something that made even Sam and Daniel go quiet. "I wish to ask a question." They nodded to him and he seemed to consider it for a moment. "Lieutenant Morgan told me a joke earlier, that I do not get. 'If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?'. I do not understand."

Sam choked on her coffee, but Daniel didn't seem to get it as he seemed to be thinking for a moment. "If quizzes are quizzical, tests are testicals." he answered easily.

Vala busted up into laughter, and Sam choked even worse, trying in vain to hide her laughter. Teal'C merely watched the exchange in confusion before nodding his head. "I do not believe I understand, but thank you for finishing the statement Daniel Jackson."

Of course, this was when the reality of what he just said hit him, and Daniel turned a deep shade of red before lowering his head a moment. "Oh, for the love of-"

"Guys!"

Daniel jumped a little as Vala spun around and Sam looked over his shoulder. Cam Mitchell, their last team member, was running in to the room with a large pack over his shoulders.

"Close your eyes." he ordered to everyone as he stopped, panting, by the side of their table. When they only stared at him blankly, he pouted. "Come on, please?"

Sam looked at him warily, before exchanging a glance with Daniel and they both slowly closed their eyes. Vala took a moment longer, trying to figure out what was in the bag before huffing and closing her eyes, placing her hands over them for added effect. And Teal'C merely nodded before closing his own eyes.

With a grin, Cam carefully reached into his bag and pulled out two medium sized, extremely beautifully decorated urns and placing them on the table. The lids were still on, so no one could see if they held anything, but parts of the urn were clear although in a tinted color, and it was obvious they were filled with liquid. "Ok." he stated grandly as he stood back. "Open your eyes and let me know what you think of my jugs!"

Daniel and Sam's eyes popped open and immediately widened as they looked at Cam.

"Excuse me?" Sam asked incredulously, her eyes lowering to his chest before she shook her head.

Daniel seemed to have the same problem and abruptly looked away. "Mitchell, I don't know what you're trying to pull..." Then his eyes landed on the urns. "Oh."

Vala, of course, was staring openly at Mitchell's chest, her eyes raking over his form before she raised an eyebrow and shook her head. She opened her mouth to say something, but a glare from Daniel and she shrugged before closing her mouth again.

Teal'C raised an eyebrow. "Indeed, they are lovely jugs, Mitchell."

"Yes, I do agree. How much do you think they're worth?" Vala chipped in.

"No, no, no, no, no." Mitchell leaned over the urns and glared at her. "These are _my_ jugs! I don't want you even touching my jugs! Hell, I don't want you even _breathing_ on them! I know you."

Daniel's face was stained a red that made Teal'C regard him closely for a moment. He was probably wondering if he was alright, but chose to remain quiet.

Sam was managing successfully so far, to hide her grin as she eyed the urns. _Well, he has good taste. He's got some nice jugs._ Suddenly, her thoughts caught up with her, and her eyes widened. She quickly placed her hand in front of her mouth and tried not to let the giggles past.

Groaning a moment, Vala got up and went to the food cart before coming back to the table with a bowl of dry cereal. She sat back down and pouted at Mitchell before picking at her cereal and munching on a bite.

He stared at her for a moment before grinning again. "Hey Vala, want some of my milk to put on that cereal?"

Unfortunately, Daniel had just taken a sip of his coffee and started hacking and coughing when that came out. Patting his chest, he glared evilly at Mitchell, who was looking at him innocently.

Vala grinned. "Sure, why not? Pour away, fly boy."

Grabbing an urn, he pulled the lid off and tipped it, pouring fresh looking milk on her cereal. Once he was done, he put the lid back on and set the urn back down.

"Cam. Tell me that's not alien milk." Sam stated with a frown as Vala dug her spoon in and promptly froze.

"Yes, Sam. I went and milked a giant insect on the world I visited." He answered sarcastically.

Looking at her cereal, Vala began to push it away.

"I was joking Vala. It's my milk."

Again Daniel was choking. At this point, Teal'C had taken a chair and moved to sit behind Daniel, patting him hard on the back to help him get over it.

Val looked at her milk with a raised eyebrow, and there was no disguising the thoughts that were running through her head. "Really now? That's a new use for it."

"The milk from my milk carton in the fridge." he clarified with a sigh. Then he perked right back up again. "Oh, and what's really cool is that now that I've filled the jugs with my milk, they'll never run out. It's like they're self replenishing, or something."

Daniel had decided to forego the last of his coffee and turned to Cam, trying to push the dirty thoughts aside. "Really now? I'd like to take a look at your jugs..." His face turned red, again. "I mean, urns, and see what I can find out from them."

"I dunno. I like these jugs."

Sam decided to pop in now, the evil grin on her face making Daniel worry about what was about to come out of her mouth. Sure enough, she didn't disappoint. "Come on, Mitchell. Let Daniel play with your jugs."

This sent the whole table into a chorus of laughter as Daniel's jaw dropped and he glared at Sam for a moment, through his embarrassment.

Mitchell allowed it, but wasn't quiet about it, and the next day rumors were flying around about Daniel playing with Colonel Mitchell's milk jugs.

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**Resa-J** - So, was this what you had in mind? LOL I think it turned out pretty good. Thank you for the suggestion! :)

(Runs off to play with Mitchell's jugs) LOL!

Hope you like it.

R+R please and let me know.

Thank you.

Tenshi


	7. BlueFooted

Ok, so this idea came to me through a conversation I had with my mother. I told her about this fic, and she gave me a couple of ideas. She mentioned a picture of special birds I was using to deter perverts on a public chat room in Facebook, and it seemed like a great idea.

Let's see how it turns out, written.

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(Normal POV)

It seemed like a normal day in the SGC, but then again, when talking about the SGC, nothing could really be considered 'normal', now, could it? Colonel Mitchell had taken a group of marines off world, just on a simple reconnaissance mission, and were due to return at any moment.

Daniel and Sam were in the control room, trying to decipher some recent MALP readings on yet another world, when the gate began dialing in.

"We have an off world activation!"

Looking into the room, Daniel and Sam watched as the standard marines took their usual places in the gate room, their weapons ready in case a threat came through. There were only a few, since it wasn't an unscheduled activation.

"Reading Colonel Mitchell's IDC."

"Open the Iris." Sam instructed, the words out of her mouth before she realized it.

General Landry made his way to the gate room, looking expectantly to the two members of SG-1 who stood there. When he received word it was Colonel Mitchell, he nodded and led the way down into the gateroom.

Only to stop and stare in shock as Mitchell came through the gate with the team he'd taken. Everyone was there and accounted for, which was a little bit of a surprise on it's own, albeit, not an unwelcome one. The thing that made everyone stare in shock, were the last two to come through the gate.

Blue, webbed feet, white body, black, narrow and pointed wings, narrow and pointed white tail that tapered off to a black, and yellow eyes set into a black and white speckled face with a long, narrow blue-grey beak.

"What in the world are those?" he almost bellowed as the team members came down into the room.

Cam remained by the gate as it shut off, and as soon as everyone had moved away, the two small birds waddled quickly to his feet, almost hiding behind him. Looking at them, he shrugged before grinning sheepishly at Landry. "Sorry, sir. They wouldn't leave me alone."

"That's nice to know, but it's not what I asked. What are they?"

"Sir..." Sam exchanged a look with Daniel before raising an eyebrow. "I'm not an expert on birds, and they _are_ from another planet..."

"Get to the point." Landry raised an eyebrow, his expression expectant.

"Well, they look like...blue-footed boobies."

"What?" Cam's eyes went wide. "I've got boobies?" His eyes widened even more and his face paled before turning red. "I mean, I've got... No, that doesn't work, either." Shaking his head, he sighed.

"Blue-footed..." General Landry turned to Sam who shrugged, and then to Dr. Jackson, who shrugged as well before nodding.

"Yeah, that's what they look like to me, too. But remember sir, they're from another planet." he stated pointedly

"Hey!"

Everyone spun to find Cam glaring at a soldier who had approached and seemed to be trying to make a grab for one of the birds. The said soldier stopped and stared at his commanding officer with wide eyes.

"Get your hands off my boobies!" he called with a glare.

"Uh, Cam..." Sam trailed off, her grin getting the better of her.

Realising what he'd just said, in front of _his_ commanding officer, too, Cam turned red again. "Uh, sorry. I, uh...didn't mean that in a...bad way...sir."

Landry was staring at Mitchell with a raised eyebrow. The look on his face was completely serious as he gazed at Cam's...boobies, before he smirked. "You'd better take your...boobies to someone who can examine them." With a chuckle, he shook his head, turned and left the room.

"'They wouldn't leave me alone'?" Daniel repeated as Cam handed his P90 to a marine and walked over, the boobies waddling after him. "And you didn't think to try and scare them off, or ditch them?"

"Oh I did." Cam sighed as he stopped and looked at the boobies as they seemed to lean up against his leg. "I ditched the first two. And the two after that. Hell, I managed to ditch a whole flock of the things!"

"Just how many were there?!" Sam didn't seem able to believe her ears.

Looking at her totally seriously, Cam shrugged. "A lot. I dunno, it was like a...boobie-palooza, or something. They were everywhere!"

"Ok, so you ditched flocks of the things. Why are these still with you?"

"I ran from one flock, right into another." he deadpanned with a mild glare. "No matter where I went, I found more boobies. In the end, I said 'screw it', and just came back."

"And now you have to go get examined by Dr. Lam." Pursing his lips for a moment, Daniel raised an eyebrow. "Maybe she can take a look at your boobies, too." The look in his eyes stated he got the double entendre, but was purposely ignoring it.

The same look was in Sam's eyes. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. You better make sure there's nothing wrong with them."

"Oh, yeah. This'll be fun." Rolling his eyes, Cam turned to his feathered friends. "Ok you two, come on, let's go. We have a nice Dr. Lam to see." Stalking off down the halls, he paused a moment outside the elevator. "You know, if I don't get these things off me by tonight, We may end up having KFB for dinner."

"You mean KFC, and the military would never pitch in for it." Daniel tried to correct him.

Turning back, Cam fingered the thigh holster he was still wearing. "No, I mean KFB. Kentucky Fried Boobie." With that he groaned, turned and hopped into the elevator, rolling his eyes as the two boobies ran after him.

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So... was that totally lame or what? This came from an idea my mom gave me.

**Resa-J** - The idea came from having Teal'C who's totally serious, ask a question. Then Daniel would answer, not realizing what he said until after, and that would signal Cam's appearance with his milk jugs. LOL Glad you liked it, and I'm glad it turned out the way it did. Oh, and innuendo is my life! I love it. If I can find more appropriate innuendo for these stories, this would be a loooonnnnnngggg story.

Hope you like it.

R+R please.

Thank you

Tenshi


	8. Great Tit

Ok, I don't know if this is an actual bird or what, but **E. Nagrom** mentioned something about 'Great Tit' birds in a review and I HAD to look it up! LOL

**E.Nagrom** - Thank you for your reviews. LOL. You mentioned the bird, I'm going to give it a shot! LOL

Side note, this chapter will be related to **Chapter - 7**, with the Blue-Footed Boobies.

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(Cam's POV)

Ok, so after the event with the Blue-Footed Boobies, I ended up the laughing stock of the SGC for a few days. Eventually, General Landry took pity on me and ordered the crew to stop mentioning those birds, though I think it was kind of more for him, since everyone was talking about it.

And I mean, _everyone_!

Anyways, after two weeks, here I am, gearing up and standing in front of the Stargate, ready to go on my next off world expedition. Daniel was still snickering about the Boobies, and decided to ask when I'd bring my next pet home. Funny. I'll find a way to get him back for that, later.

Sam, _thankfully_, had dropped it. Though she still broke out into occasional giggles and blushes, she actually didn't bring it up again.

Teal'c, well, he had to help me hunt those suckers down when they took off after a while. Imagine. These things are practically glued to my ass...or in this case, my ankles, and next thing I know, there's a pair of boobies flying down the hallway.

Can you just _see_ the looks I got when I began running around, asking people if they 'saw a pair of boobies' fly by?

"So Mitchell, what's this mission about?" Sam asked with a bit of a grin as she grabbed her P90.

Looking at her a moment, I shrugged. "Basic reconnaissance, as usual."

As the gate opened, I sighed, praying to god this planet did _not_ have Blue boobies, and stepped through the gate.

"Another earth-like planet." Sam quipped with a look that stated she was already analyzing things.

It had clear blue skies, green grass and plants, and a single blue pond a little ways ahead of us. A few little birds flew through the air and Sam began giggling again.

"Oh, come on! You weren't even looking at me!" I cried, getting tired of this. Sure, ok, I admit it was funny at first, I even had my laughs when I chased the flying boobies, but it really was starting to get tiresome.

Instead of answering me, she shook her head and grinned as she walked off.

_Oooook._ Shaking my head, I followed after her as she began taking readings. Daniel and Teal'c went in another direction, so that left Sam and me alone. "So, how long do you think we're gonna be?" I couldn't help but frown as it felt like something light brushed against my shoulder but I shrugged it off as my imagination.

"I don't know. I'm not getting any unusual readings. It's strange, I mean, we've come across a lot of earth-like planets, but this is even more earth-like."

"Uh, how's that?" Again the feeling of something brushing against my shoulder, and I absently waved my hand over it.

"Well, usually there's at least some strange readings. Here, there doesn't seem to be any." She turned in my direction and promptly stopped. "Uh, Cam?" Her eyes widened in surprise before narrowing in thought and widening again with a giggle. "You, um… You have…" She giggled some more and pointed towards my shoulder.

I looked at my shoulder and blinked in surprise at the two small birds perched there.

"You have a pair of Great Tits."

"Wha??" I spun back to Sam to watch her laughing full out now. "Sam!" My face started burning and I chose to ignore it as I glared at her.

She quickly shook her head. "No, no! That's not what I meant! Those birds…" She laughed a little more before turning a little more serious.

"Sam? What's going on? Teal'c and I heard you laughing a good distance away." Daniel stated worriedly as he and Teal'c came running through the woods. Stopping short, he stared at me. "Aren't those…..Great Tits?"

I raised an eyebrow and stared at my friends for a moment. "Is there….something in the air? I could have sworn you and Sam just said something about 'Great Tits'." The little birds on my shoulder chirped at that moment and ruffled their feathers before settling down even more. "Or am I hearing things?" I continued after a moment.

Sam exchanged a look with Daniel before laughing again, and this time he chuckled with her, pulling his glasses off his face. "First Blue-Footed Boobies, and now Great Tits. What is it with you, Mitchell?"

It suddenly hit me what they were talking about and I slowly turned to the little birds on my shoulder. They were about the size of chick-a-dees and were tinged with blue. "So these guys are…" Closing my eyes, I wiped my hand over my forehead and groaned. Then I opened my eyes and turned to the birds. "Sorry guys, you can't come with me." With that I swiped my hand over my shoulder and watched as the birds fluttered in the air.

….Before landing right back in place.

"Oh, come on!" I did it again, only to have the same result. Again I repeated myself, getting more and more frustrated when I realized the Tits weren't leaving me alone. After about the tenth time, I groaned loudly and gave up.

"Hm, looks like you made some new friends."

"With all due respect, Jackson…" Glaring at him, I raised an eyebrow. "Shut it!"

As if my yell startled them more than anything else, they fluttered off my shoulder with a pile of angry chirps.

…And fluttered over to land on Sam's shoulder.

Immediately, she began my tricks, trying to scare them off, but they settled down comfortably and refused to be removed. After a few moments, she gave up, glaring at me and Daniel, the two of us cracking up in laughter.

"Hey Sam…"

"Cameron Mitchell, don't you _dare_!"

Ignoring her threats, I turned towards the path back to the gate and laughed. "Nice Tits!" I stated. Hearing her growl, I beat feet back to the gate, laughing hysterically as I went.

Hearing Daniel's feet behind mine, I knew he was running too.

Hey, after my littlie fiasco with the Boobies, it was finally nice to be able to get someone else back. I only hoped she'd be able to get rid of them before we stepped through the gate, or she was bound to get even more ribbing than I did.

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Hope you like it.

R+R please

Thank you

Tenshi


	9. Rubbers

SG-1 Reader - Hm, I'm not sure how this will come out, but I'll definitely give it a try. Thank you for your suggestion. :) Sorry it took so long to get up, I got behind in my writing because I was sick and very busy for the last 4 days.

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(Normal POV)

"No, no, no. That's not how it goes." Walking over to the board, Dr. Jackson sighed and looked at the equation that was written on it. Pointing to one section, he frowned. "These symbols are backwards." He began looking around.

"Looking for something, Daniel?" Cam was standing by the door, watching as Daniel and Sam were working on some equations to see if they could find a way to get the other alternate SG1 teams back to their own dimensions.

He nodded absently, pushing his glasses up on his nose. "Yeah, my eraser."

"Oh, your rubber."

Pausing in mid stride, Daniel made a face before glancing over his shoulder at Mitchell. "Uh, excuse me?" Cam's choice of words had brought something to mind that didn't involve erasers what so ever.

Grinning a little, he stalked into the room, his arms folded over his chest and shrugged. "Your rubber. I borrowed it a little while ago. I needed it."

"And you didn't bring it back?"

"Well, the alarm went off before I was done, so I left it in my room when I ran to the control room." Cam was acting like it was no big deal, probably because it wasn't. "Besides, don't you have extras?"

"I could ask you the same thing. Don't you have a whole box of them?" He wanted to wince as once again his mind was shoved straight into the gutter.

Cam shrugged, ignoring the amused sparkle in Sam's eyes, and how ridiculously wrong some of this was coming out. "I did, at one point. I-I…just ended up misplacing them at one point or another. And, uh…I can't find any of them now."

"So you decided to borrow mine."

"What can I say, I needed a rubber." Now he shrugged and grinned again.

Daniel made a face and sighed. From the look on his face, he knew exactly how this was all coming out, but at the same time, was doing his very best to ignore it. Walking over to the board again, he used his hand to wipe off part of the board and looked at Mitchell. "Fine, keep it, but next time ask."

"You got it. Next time I'll ask to borrow your rubbers, first."

Sam began to giggle, shaking her head, and Cam couldn't hold back the laughter at this point. Daniel turned an interesting shade of red before clearing his throat and rewriting the part of the equation he'd pointed out earlier, purposely ignoring that last comment.

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Hope you like it, I don't know how it came out. Thanks again SG-1 Reader for your comment.

R+R please

Thank you

Tenshi


	10. Simple Misunderstanding

I have to include Hammond in at least one of these chapters. Honestly, I feel he is a big part of SG, even if he wasn't one of the actual team members, and I'm very sorry to hear he's gone. R.I.P Don S. Davis, you won't be forgotten. There may not be a lot of appearances, since it's been a while since I watched the older SG eps, but I'm going to try to include him in a few, at least.

Also, instead of a single thing in each chapter, like the 'Great Tit', 'Blue-Footed Boobies' and whatnot, I'll also include chapters like this, if and when I can.

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(Normal POV)

It was a surprisingly quiet day at the SGC, and Sam couldn't be more bored. Usually, she had Cam, Daniel, Vala or Teal'C to hang out with, or some sort of important work, but not today. Everything had been catalogued, there were no new finds, and the boys weren't anywhere to be found. Oh, and Vala had taken off from the base, following an SG team off world, because she'd taken a shining to one of the marines, and apparently, him to her.

She'd spoken to Dr. Lee, who once again was coming up with lame jokes, or making no sense what-so-ever. General Landry was in a briefing with Generals O'Neill and Hammond. Dr. Lam had an infirmary full of patients who'd been involved with a minor explosion on one of the upper levels. There were no serious injuries, but several of the marines and scientists were asked to stay, until all their blood work came back, to make sure they hadn't been infected by anything.

So here she was, walking alone down one of the corridors, lines with people's quarters, and a couple of labs. Her destination was Daniel's lab, to see if he was there. When she finally got to the door, it was closed, and she hesitated before raising her hand to knock. Usually, even when he wasn't in the best of moods, Daniel's door was open, unless he wasn't there.

_Well, only one way to find out._ she thought as she as about to knock.

Then, the sounds on the other side made her pause.

"Would you stop that?" That was Cam's voice.

For a moment, Sam wondered what Cam was doing in Daniel's office, and why the door was shut.

"If you'd stop squirming, it wouldn't be so bad. God, Cam. You're a mess!" That was Daniel. His tone seemed torn between amusement and scolding. "I told you not to get it on you. What did you do, roll in it??"

She raised an eyebrow and slowly lowered her hand, rethinking disturbing them. She knew she should walk away, and not evesdrop, but she couldn't seem to make her feet work. Maybe it was the odd fascination with the discussion.

"Damn. It's harder than I thought!"

Her eyes went wide and she covered her mouth. The conversation which was sounding wrong and making no sense to her before, was suddenly sounding so much worse and making a lot of very bad sense, now. Looking around wildly, she mentally tried to convince herself she really didn't want to be out here, listening to all this, but once again, her feet refused to move.

"Gee, I could've told you that!" Cam let out a yelp and there was the sound of a thud in the room. "Watch the hands!"

There was a snort of laughter and the sound of something moving against the floor before a light thud. Maybe the sound of something being picked up off the ground. "I didn't know you were ticklish."

"Tell anyone and you're dead, Jackson." The voice was low, but it ended in a gasp. "Ack! Cold!"

_What the hell is going on in there?!_ Part of Sam wished Vala could be in there, she was sure the woman would have some...amusing thoughts about it. But then again, another part of her was glad Vala _wasn't_ there, as she'd probably have busted in my now.

"Well let it warm up. Just give it a moment." There were some strange sounds and a grunt followed suit. "Would you...shift, or move, or something? I can't reach."

"Where are you reaching? It's right there!"

"It's all over, Cam." Now the tone was dry. "Look, I'm trying to help, but you're only making it harder."

A loud movement, a startled cry, and a thud.

"Ow! Damn! Why the hell do you keep all those around?" There was a strange sound, like something... "...It vibrates?"

There was silence for a moment before someone cleared their throat. "Well, yes. I don't exactly know why, as of yet." The vibrating quickly stopped and there was more movement in the office. "Now if you'd sit still, I'd be more than happy to help you out."

"Didn't you just say you wanted me to move?"

"You moved. Now sit like..." There was a choke yelp, a mumbled 'sorry', and more scuffling in the office. "There. Like that. Leave your back to me, it makes it easier to reach."

Sam's jaw dropped. _Easier to reach?_ The vibrating sound had made her face burst with heat, and she knew she was blushing. The more she heard, the more certain she was, that there was something... Glancing around again, she was almost relieved that there didn't seem to be anyone in the hallway.

Then the sound of someone clearing their throat behind her made her jump and gasp quietly. Spinning in place, she felt her face heat up again as she came face to face with General O'Neill. Her mouth worked silently for a moment, trying to come up with an explanation as to why she was standing outside Daniel's office door, obviously listening to something going on inside.

Instead of greeting her or demanding to know what she was up to, he smiled a little and walked over, one silver eyebrow slowly raising in inquiry.

"Daniel!!" Cam almost screamed in shock. "Ow! Damn, that hurts!" He loudly hissed in pain, and then it turned into an almost relaxed, more pleasureable hiss. "_That_ feels good."

"Sorry, didn't realize I was pushing so hard."

Jack's eyes went wide and he glanced at Sam a moment. The look on his face clearly stated he was wondering what the hell was going on, though it also stated he had a pretty good look and was a little disturbed. Then there was a sly, almost evil grin on his face as he re-raised his eyebrow at her, silently questioning why she was here, listening to the obviously..._private_ going ons of Daniel's office.

"Oh. OH! Yeah..." Mitchell was almost purring in pleasure. "There. That feels good."

"Relax, it's working."

"Didn't know I'd get an-oh! Damn Daniel! You have amazing hands!" There was a low moan.

Turning to Sam, the disturbed look on O'Neill's face had grown and he stared at her for a moment. "We're probably reading too much into this." He whispered, turning and getting ready to knock on the door.

That's when the vibrating started up again.

"Cam, put that down." Daniel's tone was irritated and distracted, but mostly scolding. "You're like a kid, you know that? You have to play with everything."

"Aww Danny, you love me anyways." Cam sounded amused, the mocking tone in his voice very obvious. But as Daniel wished, the vibrating sound soon stopped.

At this point, O'Neill's jaw couldn't have dropped any further, and Sam couldn't suppress her quiet giggles at the scene he represented. The big, dignified General Jack O'Neill was standing ramrod straight in his dress blues, outside Daniel Jackson's office, hand raised poised to knock, face changing vivid colors from red to white and back, and jaw about as far dropped as humanly possible.

"Hang on..." Daniel sounded like he was focusing on something. "Almost...got it... There!"

There was silence for a moment, and O'Neill couldn't take it anymore. Without even knocking, he turned the knob and pushed the door open, stopping and staring in shock at the sight inside.

"Sir!" Shirtless Cam stood at attention quickly, a little blue smear on his face, and a big one across his chest.

Daniel looked shocked, staring at Jack a moment before removing his glasses, and placing a blue smeared cloth down on the table. "Jack. Hi, this is a surprise."

"Surprise. Yes, I agree." Jack stated in obvious confusion. He raised an eyebrow a moment and looked behind him, only to find Sam had scrambled off when he wasn't looking. "What, uh... What're you guys up to?" He nodded to the blue smears with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, these marks were made by some paint samples some local natives on P5X-419 sent back with us." Daniel was almost glaring at Cam. "I made sure to tell everyone not to get it on them, after I got some on my hands and couldn't get it off for days, but Mitchell came back from a mission with it all over his back, chest, arms, and face. I was using a special, safe solvent to get it off him, but it involves a lot of scrubbing."

"And man, Dr. Jackson can give one hell of a back massage!" Cam grinned a little, before seeing the strange look in O'Neill's eyes and frowning a little. "Sorry, sir...?"

"Oh, no. Don't apologize. I'm just glad to know what all the...strange sounds coming from in here, were. I was about to knock-what was that vibrating sound, anyways?" He tried to be perfectly innocent when he asked about it, but couldn't help the sly grin that came over his face. "I was standing out in the hall with Sam when Mitchell yelped, then began almost purring. Then this strange vibrating sound kicked in. It was rather...intriguing."

For a moment, both boys looked beyond confused as Daniel retrieved an odd shaped wooden carving of some sort, in a strange shape. Twisting the center body of it, the machine began to vibrate, rather loudly, and with another twist, it shut off again.

Then, Cam's eyes widened as he finally got the hint in Jack's message. "Sir, do you mean that... People were hearing... And it sounded..." He couldn't finish any of his sentences as his face turned a deep cherry red.

When Daniel looked confused at Jack's more than enthusiastic nod, Cam leaned over and whispered something in his ear. Within seconds, Daniel had jumped across the room, away from the said Colonel. "WHAT?!" There was no doubt that the entire hallway would have heard it, if there had been anyone walking along the hallway. Looking between them, his mouth gaped as he seemed obviously lost for words. "WHAAAT?!"

Jack began to laugh at the shell shocked, horrified look on Daniel's face. amd Cam grinned with a shrugged, obviously not at all bothered by what this had all sounded like. Looking at another smear, he picked up the cloth and began wiping at it.

"WHAT?!" Glaring at them both, he picked up his glasses, and stormed out of the room, too embarrassed and shocked to say anything. It took a moment, but then a very frustrated "Oh, ha, ha. Very funny." came from down the hallway, and a woman's laughter echoed up it.

Apparently, Sam had been laughing far too much to go too far, and when she saw Daniel, she busted up again at his horrified, disturbed face.

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Ok, just a point note, I am NOT against Slash. I like it as much as the next fangirl, this is just supposed to be a humor fic. And quite honestly, I'm more of a Cam/John or John/Rodney, John/Lorne person myself, but hey, I'll give anything a shot.

The "WHAT?!" part came from a youtube video I saw about a Stargate Atlantis convention, where 'furries' were explained to 'Teal'C', and his reaction. LOL.

Oh and question, why in Stargate Atlantis, is there a subcategory for Keller, but not Lorne? That boy's hot! There should be subcategories for him, too! Or...not subcategories, but his name in the list, so you can look up fics with him as a main character...?

Oh, and I have no idea what the alien artifact, the vibrating one, is supposed to be. Just an idol of sorts.

Anyways, Hope you like it.

R+R please

Thank you.

Tenshi


	11. Furries

Ok, this was inspired by a review on the story, about Daniel's reactions in my last chapter, and where I got the lines, a convention video on youtube where Christopher learns about 'Furries'. LOL! So I thought I would give something similar a try, with Teal'c. :P

**SG-1Reader** - Here's the result of your last review. I hope you like how it turned out.

**Acer-sigma** - Thank you. I wasn't sure if I had their reactions right. :) Very disturbing, but to some people, beyond very funny. LOL

**Resa-J** - Glad you like it. I'm hoping to continue it, but I need more ideas, so I'm waiting for the randomness to hit. :)

**E. Nagrom** - Oh, ouch. :S Sorry about that? You might not want to read this one, then, if you're still sick. I don't know if you'll get a laugh out of it... I hope you feel better soon. And I'm glad you liked it. LOL

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"Daniel Jackson."

Turning from his discussion with Cam about how ancient statues on alien planets were not to be used as back scratchers, he watched as Teal'c walked up to him, Vala at his side. "Teal'c, hey."

Vala grinned and waved, but Daniel didn't even bat an eyelash at her, earning a pout.

"I have a question." Seeing he had everyone's attention, he nodded with a curious expression. "What are Furries?"

Cam's eyes went wide and he looked down at the drink he'd been holding, glad he hadn't taken a drink from it. "Uhm..." He cleared his throat. "Where'd that come from?"

"I heard Captain James speaking of it to Lieutenant Harrison. He mentioned it would be quite...entertaining."

Nodding, Cam turned to Daniel, who's face was a deep cherry red, and his jaw was hanging open. "Uh..."

"Well, go on. Explain it to the man." Cam prompted with a grin, catching sight of Vala's curious expression. "Oh, and uh, lady."

Turning an evil glare on Cam, Daniel raised one eyebrow before turning back to Teal'c. "I'll explain later." He quickly decided as a couple of soldiers walked by.

Vala grinned at this. "Why? Is it like gay porn, or something?" She'd been on earth long enough to pick up a lot, not all of it necessarily good.

That comment had Teal'c's eyebrow raising. He, too, probably knew what gay porn was, but luckily, remained silent about that.

"Uh, no..." Drawing out the 'no', Daniel's face flushed and he brought up a hand to run it through his hair. "It's...um...people in furry suits."

"Dressed like animals." Cam put in oh-so-helpfully.

"I do not believe I understand." And indeed, Teal'c was frowning in confusion.

Vala nodded, her own confused frown adorning her face. "Yeah, me either. What's so bad about people dressed in furry suits? Ok, so the animals thing is a little weird, I mean, I know a guy who knows a guy who has a machine that can actually turn people into-"

"Vala!"

A couple more soldiers were walking by and stared at her in confusion, a slightly weirded out look over their faces before continuing on, and Daniel's face looked impossibly red.

"What?"

Looking to Teal'c Daniel shook his head. "I just... I'll tell you later."

"Come on, someone tell him. I wanna see his expression!" Vala's grin had turned positively evil by now, and Daniel began to suspect she had a rough idea of what they were.

Walking over to Teal'c, Cam reached up and whispered something in his ear. First, one eyebrow raised. Then the other. Then both, and his frown deepened.

"Ok, ok, enough with the whispering! I want to know, too."

Cam obliged easily and began to whisper in her ear.

"Oh, man..." Daniel groaned as he covered his eyes and shook his head again.

"Damn!" Vala's eyes had gone wide. "Are you serious?"

Cam nodded solemnly, although his eyes were sparkling.

"People...in furry suits..." She shook her head. "People _dressed like animals_, having se-"

"BEEP!" Daniel put in loudly, drowning her out, as several fairly young officers walked past. Seeing their confused looks in his direction, he waved them on and ducked his head. "Never mind. I _guarantee_ you don't wanna know."

"What?!" That was Vala, her look torn between incredulous, intrigued and _highly_ amused.

Nodding quietly, Teal'c's face was as masked as usual, but his eyes glimmered with an unusual light. "I do not believe I have ever done anything like that." Turning to Cam, he tilted his head a little. "I am interested in giving it a try. Have you any idea where to get a furrie outfit?"

Vala nodded simply with a 'Yeah, me too' expression.

Cam's eyes bugged and he backed off with a shake of his head. "Oh, whoa! Don't ask me there, buddy. Maybe you should go ask, uh..." He snapped his fingers, obviously trying to ignore the redness in his face. "Captain James. He'd probably know."

"Yes. You... You do that." Turning around, Daniel walked off, wondering how the hell he always managed to end up in these types of conversation.

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Hope you like it.

R+R please.

Thank you

Tenshi


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